The plan to save Kaiba
by Angellina Tsaint
Summary: (Rated for swearing, narrator death, and Mary Sue bashing) When an insane girl kidnaps Kaiba, it's up to Yugi and the gang to save him! But no one said it'd be easy... and hooboy, chapter six, after not being updated for a year!
1. Part One: Explanatory flashbacks

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! If I did, it would be a lot like this fic. As it is not, I'll just have to make do.  
  
In a universe very far away, on the edge of the galaxy, our story begins...  
  
"What the...?" Joey looked up towards the sky. "Who said that?"  
Yugi shrugged. "I didn't hear anything."  
"You sure?"  
The shorter boy nodded. "I'm sure."  
"But... I'm sure I heard something! Some idiot was talking about Star Wars!" The blonde sighed, letting go of his end of the stolen TV.  
"Erk!" Yugi promptly fell backwards.  
"Ah... sorry, Yug'." He picked up the golden television, and helped his friend up.  
The spiky haired boy groaned, rubbing where he'd been crushed. "Spleen... burst..."  
There was a moment of silence.  
"Alright, I'm fine now." He looked at the Millennium TV, and sighed. "Why'd we have to steal this, anyway?"  
"Yugi, don't you remember? It all started two weeks ago..." Everything started to blur.  
Yugi looked around. "What's going on?"  
"Flashback time!"  
  
~Two weeks before~  
  
Seto Kaiba walked out one sunny morning to get the mail. He didn't particularly want to get the mail, but, for unknown reasons, God had kicked him out of his own home that day.   
"Hey, Seto!"  
He stopped. Someone had called him Seto. More importantly, someone he didn't know had called him Seto. He prepared his 'I'm-pissed-off' face, and patiently waited for the suicidal person to run up to him, as they no doubt would.  
A girl ran up to him, with long, yet not too long silver hair, and shining jade eyes. Her skin was pale, and she wore a small black dress, perfect for the weather of th-  
Seto promptly pulled a gun out of hammerspace and shot the narrator. A new one quickly appeared to take its place.  
He glared at her. "Do I know you?"  
"It's me, Saseko!" She smiled, reaching out to hug him.  
Quickly stepping back, he narrowed his eyes. "I don't know a Saseko."  
"Saseko! Saseko Kyousha! Your one true love!" Saseko seemed awfully sure of that fact.  
"You've got the wrong person."  
Her eyes started to water. "Seto-"  
"Don't call me Seto."  
A single tear fell from her eye. "How could you not know me...?"  
Seto felt no sympathy. This was obviously someone who had escaped from the mental institution that had recently been built next door. "I don't know you. End of discussion. Now go get an eye doctor and don't bother me again."  
He turned and started walking towards his house. If he ignored her, she'd leave.  
Wrong.  
A great force blasted into his back, most likely injuring something vital and most definitely flinging him forward.  
Seto quickly got up, and looked in sheer horror, or something very mildly representing it. Saseko's eyes were glowing a fierce black, and her whole body crackled with electricit-  
He pulled the gun back out of hammerspace and shot the second narrator, too, thus gaining a third.   
"Seto!" She said, "If you don't agree to Saseko's terms, you shall regret it!"  
"Firstly, I told you not to call me Seto. Secondly, who the hell are you if you're not that epileptic girl, and thirdly, why would I regret it?"  
"I am Yami Withersin!" She hissed, as the clouds in the sky started to darken.  
Seto laughed. "Young, annoying, maniacal imbecile with the really stupid name?"  
Yami Withersin didn't, to say the least, appreciate the humor. "If you don't... become her boyfriend... then..." She held up a golden camera, and a flash of light surrounded at least a one kilometre area. "Now, Seto Kaiba! Agree!"  
"A spray painted camera. I'm terrified."   
She cackled, waving some pictures. "This is the Millennium Camera! It lets me take pictures of what has been, what is, and what has yet to pass! And other little goodies, too!" Withersin held out a picture for him to see.  
It was, very clearly, him and Yugi Motou in a spa.  
"The media will love it!"   
Seto stared, wide-eyed. "You... sick..."  
Yami Withersin suddenly changed back to Saseko. "See you on Tuesday, Seto!" She giggled, and ran off.  
  
~End of Flashback~  
  
Yugi nodded. "And... how long did Kaiba have to go out with her?"  
"About a week and a half," Joey explained, as they started carrying the TV again, "But, last Wednesday..."  
Everything blurred again.  
  
~Last Wednesday~  
  
"Seto! Where are you?" Mokuba called, searching the house. Ever since his brother had been blackmailed into a 'relationship' with the strange girl with perfect skin, he'd been seeing less and less of him.  
In fact, he hadn't seen Seto since the previous morning.  
"Brother! It's me, Mokuba!" He called, using the line from the duellist kingdom. Looking around, he sighed in defeat.  
Then he heard it. A soft, low moaning coming from a strategically placed dark corner.  
Within the little he could see of the shadow, was a familiar figure, curled up into a ball.  
"Seto!" He cried in worry, racing over.  
His brother was, as one could probably guess, not in a sane state of mind. He was shaking, mumbling incoherently, and staring at a certain part of the floor.  
Mokuba shook him frantically. "Seto! Get up!"  
"No, not pancakes - the elves will eat them..." Seto muttered, sounding as if he knew exactly what he was talking about.  
Mokuba, however, didn't.   
He sighed, stepping back from his brother. "I'll go get Yugi - he can help, surely!"  
And off he ran.  
  
-At the card shop-  
  
"Got any traps?"  
"Go fish."  
Yugi and Joey were playing Go Fish with Yugi's deck. Yugi was, at the moment, winning, but that was mainly due to the fact that he'd rigged the deck earlier.  
"Got any magics?" Yugi asked, knowing the answer would be yes.  
"How'd you know?" Joey sighed, tossing a De-Spell over. He then glanced suspiciously at the narrator, and left it at that.  
The boy shrugged. "Dumb luck?"  
Then Mokuba burst in. "Yugi!"  
Yugi looked up. "Mokuba? What're you doing here?"  
"You've gotta help Seto!"  
"Kaiba? Why should we help him?" Joey said, frowning.  
"I said that YUGI has to help, not you."  
"What's wrong with him?" Yugi asked.  
"I don't know! You've gotta come!"  
  
-Back with Seto-  
  
"Kaiba!" Yugi gasped, seeing the broken state of the CEO.  
"Bunnies... no... don't die!" He screamed, gaining raised eyebrows from the guests to the house.  
Mokuba knelt down next to his brother. "I don't know what's wrong with him!"  
Joey, however, was ecstatic. "He finally cracked! Now HE'S the dog!"  
A small mumbling came from Seto. "|)37|-|..."  
"He's really lost it now," Newly arrived Yami said sympathetically.  
Mokuba stared at him. "Huh?"  
"He's talking in l33t."  
  
~End of that flashback~  
  
Joey chuckled to himself, reliving the memory. "Anyway... after that, we went to confront that Saseko/Withersin chick at KaibaCorp..."  
"Joey?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why are you telling me all this stuff I very clearly already know?"  
"Plot, Yug'. Plot."  
  
~Yet another bloody flashback, this time at KaibaCorp~  
  
Saseko (or was it Withersin?) sat in a chair, stroking Seto's hair (no I do not know how he got there, but I do know it rhymed).  
"Brother!" Mokuba screamed, running into the room.  
"Oh! Mokuba!" She smiled, waving a manicured hand at him. "Ever so sorry, but _I _own KaibaCorp now."  
_"WHAT!?"  
_As the other to walked in, Yugi noted that the poor kid was having a mild heart attack.  
And Joey, being the vengeful sprite he is, just laughed at the sight of poor Seto.  
Withersin stood, carefully placing Seto's head on the chair. "We're married!" She said with a dreamy look, showing them a ring.  
Mokuba had another heart attack. Or at least an epileptic fit.  
Yami raised an eyebrow. "You married... Kaiba? How?"  
"Oooh, jealous are we? Tee hee hee!" Withersin giggled, much to Yami's annoyance.  
"I'm not even going to answer that." He then remembered what he was supposed to be doing. "What did you do to Kaiba?!"  
She frowned. "I told you! I married him! Yesterday!"  
The three gasped.  
"So that's why!" Mokuba said, having recovered from his shock. "That's why Seto was acting like that!" He looked at his brother. "And still is!"  
Withersin apparently changed back to Saseko, who went back to Seto and started stroking his hair again. "Seto loves me!" She proclaimed, "He always has and always will! And we'll always be together!"   
In a flash of light, the two disappeared.  
"SETOOO! BROTHERRR!" No prizes to who said that.  
"There, there, Mokuba. Calm down." Yugi was back, and was at least trying (keyword: trying) to comfort the boy.  
Mokuba stood up, silent. Then...  
"I'LL KILL HER! I'LL GUT HER WITH A BAMBOO SKEWER! I'LL STRANGLE HER WITH HER OWN INTESTINES!" He took a few deep breaths, and sat down. "Seto..."  
Joey looked around the well furnished room. "What now?"  
"Seto... always had a place... where he kept stuff for every occasion..."  
The blond stifled a smile. "Mokuba, we're not talking Christmas decorations her-" He stopped at the glare. "I'll be quiet."  
Mokuba looked down at the ground, then his eyes shone with recognition. "His room!" He ran off, and in about two seconds, they were in Seto's room.  
  
-In Seto's room-  
  
Mokuba turned on the light, carefully studying his brother's room. Seto must have foreseen this. He MUST have. After about five minutes of searching, he saw a well folded note poking out from beneath a pillow.  
  
_Mokuba,  
_It said,  
_I'm afraid I don't have much time left. As you know, I have been 'seeing' a girl called Saseko, though entirely against my will. She has a yami, called Withersin, who aspires to take control of KaibaCorp. In the event that this happens, and I am unable to do anything about it, I entrust that you will be able to pull my plan off without a hitch.   
As you should know, I have been pursued by women for many years. Each one very dangerous in their own sense, but put together, they would create havoc so severe the world may even end due to the horror. Saseko is one of those women.  
She has three Millennium Items, although there are only seven. Hers are the Millennium Television, the Millennium Camera, and the Millennium Bag. I do not know what the first does, but the camera generates pictures, and the bag is a portal to the Shadow Realm. It also appears that she needs all three to work any one.  
Now, I would tell you not to get Yugi or his friends involved in this, but you probably already have. Tell them that if anyone takes pictures of me in my less-than-normal state, I shall hire assassins to kill them in their sleep.  
You need to be careful, no matter what you choose to do, as Withersin apparently needs KaibaCorp for world domination. As it would be a simple task once she gains ownership, you need to stop her halfway. Most preferably destroying both her and Saseko, who's blackmailed me into marriage.  
The heavy artillery and special decks are behind the paintings in the hall, your dinner's in the oven.  
  
- Seto  
  
_Joey then threw his now useless camera out the window, while Yugi and Mokuba discussed Seto's 'plan'.  
"Heavy artillery? Is that really necessary?"  
"Of course! Seto always knows what to do!"  
"What about the special decks?"  
"They'll be needed, too!"  
Yugi sighed, nodding. "So... what do we do first?"  
"Weeeell..."  
  
~End of that flashback~  
  
"... and that's how we got stuck stealing the Millennium TV."  
"Joey... remind me to _never _ask you how anything happened again."  
"Sure, Yug'..."  
And thus, the two headed to their 'secret base' (more precisely, McDonalds), for part two of the plan to save Kaiba was to commence the very next morning...


	2. Part Two: Saseko's plan unfurls

Disclaimer: I do not own: Yu-Gi-Oh!, McDonalds, The Matrix, Picasso, Ireland, Japan, Stonehenge, England, Hercules, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the FFIX/III movie or Newgrounds.com. And believe me, I don't really want to.  
  
The three sat around a small table in McDonalds, all in disguise. Mokuba was wearing a dress, Joey was wearing a wig and sunglasses (and a dress), and Yami had the unbelievable - flat hair.  
"I don't see how this is necessary..." Joey muttered, looking at the toy stroller which had an equally disguised Millennium TV.  
"It _is._" Yami insisted, straightening the tie on his oversized business suit. "I'm the father, you're the mother, Josephine, Mokuba's the daughter, Moccacino, and that-" He pointed to the Millennium TV, "- is the baby, Millie. Understood?"  
"Yes..." The other two nodded, exchanging a look that clearly said Yami had lost his mind.  
"Now, I'll go get us dinner." He said. "What do you want"  
Joey thought. "I'll have a Big Mac-"  
"You mean, Kaiba Burger." Mokuba cut in.  
"What?!"  
"Awhile ago, Seto got _really_ drunk, so I dared him to pay McDonalds to have a burger, a drink, and a dessert named after him."  
"Not the coke, not the coke..."  
"That's Carbonated Kaiba."  
Yugi, who had suddenly appeared on the scene, looked aghast. "Soft serve?!"  
"Seto serve."  
There was a moment of uneasy silence... well, silence minus the sobbing Joey, who was moaning about great injustice.  
"Damn, he must have been _really_ drunk." Yami said with a slight grin, as Mokuba nodded. "... I think we can have dinner later."  
  
-At KaibaCorp-  
  
Saseko (who was still petting Seto) smiled at the horde of people she had invited. Namely, the people who would re-decorate KaibaCorp.  
"I want everything... to be pink!" She said with a giggle.  
One of the redecorators, a man called Brenda, rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I sense a grave disturbance in the force..." He said in a low voice.  
  
-At Kaiba's mansion-  
  
"Okay," A very un-girly Mokuba said, "We have three hours. Then, Saseko will come, with the redecorators, to paint the house PINK."  
"You know that... how?" Joey asked.  
"I once bugged his main office."  
Yami nodded. "Alright. Now, what's our plan of attack?"  
The boy grinned very, very evilly. "Matrix-style."  
"AGENT SMITH! Oh how I've missed you!" Joey cackled.  
"Well, not really... but yeah. That too. We all dress up like Neo in the first movie. Mainly because the second movie sucked and stole a bunch of scenes from the first."  
Yami and Joey exchanged looks. "But he wore a long coat..." They said in confused unison.  
Mokuba grinned again. "I thought of that. We'll be wearing Seto's old ones."  
  
-Later-  
  
Joey sighed. "I hate this. I _really_ hate this. But the guns make it bearable." He made a grab for the bazooka that Mokuba and Yami were pulling out of the foam padding behind a Picasso.  
"No, Joey! This is for later!" Mokuba hissed, stamping on his foot, and accidentally letting go of his end of the bazooka.  
Unfortunately, the bazooka was heavy. Even more unfortunately, Yami had just changed back to Yugi.  
"ERK!" He made the sound of a dying crow, and fell backwards.  
Mokuba laughed nervously. "Sorry, Yugi..." He mumbled, and helped the breathless boy up.  
"Stop - dropping - heavy things - on me!" Yugi panted, "I like - my spleen!" He then changed back to Yami, for God knows what reason.  
Yami glared at Mokuba, and strapped two more guns onto his jeans, thus making a total of seventy-five weapons each.  
"Mokuba..." He said, thinking, "How long do we have, overall, to save your brother's soul and destroy Saseko?"  
"Uh... about a week, at most."  
Joey fell over (though it may have had something to do with the guns). "A week?! How the hell are we going to do that in a week?!"  
"I don't know!" Mokuba said, kicking him.  
"Ow! Why'd you kick me?"  
"You're being annoying!"  
Yami sighed, shaking his head.  
  
-A little bit later-  
  
"They're coming!" Mokuba shrieked, looking out a window. "We'll have to go the other way!" He jumped down from his lookout stool and ran off.  
"What other way?" Yami asked, running after him (with Joey not too far behind).  
"Out the back door! We only have to pass through a strange Irish swamp, and we can come out right next to your game shop!"  
"What?!" Yami asked again, this time disturbed.  
"Well... I wasn't meant to tell you, but Seto-" He was cut off mid-sentence as the sound of battering rams came from the door. "I'll tell you later. Hurry!"  
Yami nodded and followed, remembering something from just before Saseko's arrival...  
  
~Flashback~  
  
"Yami?" Yugi asked that morning, looking out the window of the games shop.  
"Yes?"  
"There's a..." He peered closer, "A pair of... binoculars in that hedge..."  
  
~End flashback~  
  
The binoculars were gone by the time they'd gone down to investigate. He'd always found it strange.  
"Yami! When I say hurry, I mean run faster! I don't mean waste valuable time with pointless flashbacks!" Mokuba looked pissed.  
"But it was only a minute long!" Yami protested.  
"Yes, but it takes half a minute to faze in and half a minute to faze out! We don't have that kind of time!"   
They had now arrived in the basement. "Open the back door!" Mokuba yelled at the computer.  
"But what about the rules-" The computer protested.  
"Screw the rules! This is a literal matter of life and death!"  
"I am soooo telling Seto about your swearing, young man!" The computer hissed, opening the door.  
  
-Outside, in the Irish Swamp-  
  
Joey looked around. "Do either of you find it strange that there's an Irish swamp in the middle of Japan?"  
Mokuba and Yami looked at him. "No."  
"Oh. Okay then."  
They barred the door with a few large pieces of driftwood (which Joey also found strange, but didn't comment on), and set off through the hilly brush.  
"It's not a hill..." Joey muttered, but not loud enough for anyone (including the previous narrator, who had gone to get a bagel) to hear.  
  
-About an hour later-  
  
"Four thousand three hundred and twenty-nine point two bottles of beer on the wall, four thousand three hundred and twenty-nine bottles of beer..." They sung, after starting at one million just after the cut an hour before.  
Yami then pushed a stray log out of their oddly well cut path, not missing a word.  
Suddenly...  
"AHAHAHA! YOU HAVE FALLEN RIGHT INTO MY TRAP!"  
He looked up, scanning the area. "There's only one person who talks like that..."  
A boy with... _really_ bad hair jumped down from a tree, wearing a dress made from various insect parts. "Hello, Yugi!"  
"Oh, crap, not him..." Yami sighed, shaking his head. "Weevil, what do you want?!"  
Weevil scowled. "I want to duel you!"  
"No."  
The insect duelist's eyes grew big and teary. "But..."  
"In a week! We have to get the hell out of here!"  
"Why?"  
"Because there's a stampede of transvestite redecorators after us!"  
Weevil's eyes widened. "Holy crap, you're in deep shit!"  
No one happened to notice that a child was there, grinning gleefully at all the indecent language. But anyway, the three nodded.  
"Yes, we are. Would you happen to know a quicker way out of here?" Joey asked.  
"I might..."  
Yami frowned. "Do I really have to repeat the transvestite redecorator thing?"  
"Right down this path, take a right at the fork - definitely don't go left or you'll find yourself at Stonehenge -, then go over the bridge and you're out."  
  
-At the bridge-  
  
After buying souvenirs during their small trip to England, they were at the bridge Weevil had told them about.   
They hadn't crossed it yet - mainly because there was a strange person wearing a robe very akin to that of the Rare Hunters.  
"I'm not a Rare Hunter, you fool!" The person yelled at the narrator, brandishing a stick at them (that narrator had gone off to cry).  
Weevil (who had accompanied them) stepped forward. "This is one of Kaiba's security procedures. I'll show you what to do."  
He neared the bridge, when the hermit-person noticed him.   
"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."  
"Fine."  
The hermit-man frowned. "What... is your name?"  
"Weevil Underwood."  
"What... is your quest?"  
"To get them almost the whole way through before assaulting them and stealing all their stuff- I mean-AAARGH!" He screamed, as an invisible force picked him up and dropped him into the swamp.  
Yami swore under his breath. "I'll try-"  
"No! I will!" Mokuba bravely said, stepping forward. "I can go the distance!"  
Yami nodded, deciding to question him about the strange line from Hercules later.  
The hermit-man grinned, seeing Mokuba. "Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."  
"Yes, yes, we know that."  
"What... is your name?"  
"Mokuba Bridget Kaiba."  
Yami and Joey stared at each other.  
"What... is your quest?"  
"To free my brother from Saseko."  
"What... is the name of the movie that is being ripped off?"  
Mokuba thought for a moment. "Well, the whole bridge-keeper thing is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but the question you just asked me is obviously stolen from a Final Fantasy XI/III flash movie I saw on Newgrounds.com one day. So, which one?"  
The hermit-man was agape. "Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!" He went into the swamp.  
Yami and Joey cheered, rushing forward.  
They could now proceed... with part three.  
  
-A tiny wee bit later, after they'd gone-  
  
The hermit-man lay in the swamp water, bored. "My name's actually Jim, y'know...


	3. Part Three: What exactly did he buy?

*sigh* Alas, I do not own anything. I didn't own anything last chapter, and I sure as hell won't own anything next chapter.   
In case you needed to know, / is Yugi to Yami, // is Yami to Yugi.  
And yes, I'm bashing Canada (and Australia) to hell. I apologise. Really, I do.  
  
-Outside-  
  
"Ahhh..." Yugi said, stretching in the sun. "It's good to be out of there!"  
Mokuba nodded. "Seto's always prepared."  
"I don't think anyone could be prepared for something like this, Mokuba..." Joey trailed off at the glare, and decided to change the subject. "Talking about preparation, where'd Seto get these black coats?"  
"That has nothing to do with preparation."  
"Just answer the question!"  
Mokuba huffed. "Fine. He went through a Metallica phase a few years back."  
"I shouldn't have asked."  
"No. You shouldn't have."  
There was a moment of silence.  
During the said moment of silence, Mokuba picked his nose, Yugi tested how many times he and Yami could mind swap in one minute, and Joey was absent-mindedly poking the narrator, who got huffy and left.  
As Yami appeared for the eighty-ninth time with twenty seconds left, he gasped.  
/Yami? What is it?/  
//Holy mother of Tina Turner...//  
Yugi gained control of his body, and looked in the direction Yami had been looking in (which wasn't very hard, considering that his head hadn't moved since spotting whatever had thrown their attempt at a world record off track). He gasped, too.  
"What is it, Yug'?" Joey asked. He looked, too. And gasped.  
Mokuba looked in the direction they were looking in, and he gasped.  
So they all stood there, staring, with wide eyes and open mouths.  
Inside the game shop (where they were staring), Malik heard something, turned around, and he gasped, too. He quickly paid Yugi's grandfather for what he had just bought, and ran out, leaving a very disgruntled grandfather, who had only been paid five dollars.  
Unfortunately, he couldn't run off in time, and was caught up to by the three, who had snapped out of their dream state.  
"MALIK?!" Yugi gasped, tugging on the boy's arm.  
"No shit, sherlock." Malik said, pulling his arm away from Yugi's grubby little hands. "I'm allowed to shop wherever I damn well please."  
Joey was hiding behind Mokuba, making a cross with his fingers.  
Mokuba, however, was amused at the use of swear words. But he was also curious. "Malik, why aren't you... acting... uh, normal?" And by normal, he meant Malik normal. Not normal normal.  
Malik shrugged. "I'm only an evil atrocious corrupt vile immoral wicked nefarious hateful socially unacceptable mentally unstable psycho when they pay me to be one."  
"They?" Joey asked.  
"Yes, they. All I get is a package in the mail, telling me what to do, and with a large sum of money."  
"Oh." Joey and Mokuba said in unison.  
Yami, who had just appeared, wasn't so easily fooled. "So you were paid to take my power, too?"  
"No, you pathetic has-been. I _will_ get your puzzle."  
Yami laughed. "Yeah, when pigs fly and teletubbies descend from the thundery skies!"  
Right at that moment, a pig flew overhead, dark clouds appeared, thunder, lightning and rain started, and the sounds of doped up aliens came from nearby.  
"... You're still not getting my puzzle." Yami said, indignant.  
"Oh, won't I?" Malik was amused, "Pharaoh, I can and will."  
"How?"  
Malik put a hand in his pocket, took a dramatic pause, and pulled out...  
"A **karaoke** contest?!" Yami nearly screamed, "Malik, we don't have time! We have one week to save Kaiba's soul!"  
Malik frowned. "A week starting when?"  
Mokuba pulled out his pocket calendar. "A week starting yesterday."  
"Oh, perfect!" Malik grinned, "It's on Sunday!"  
Yami swore in Egyptian.  
"I heard that, Pharaoh."  
Yami then made the one fingered motion that was known all around the world, except for a small town in Canada.  
Malik wondered why a small town in Canada wouldn't know what the symbol was, but didn't say anything. "You _will _be in my karaoke contest, Pharaoh." Well, he did say something. But not about the Canada thing.  
Yami sighed. "Fine. If I'm ALIVE next Sunday, I'll be in your damned karaoke contest."  
"... What the hell? Who's killing you without my previously given written and oral permission?!"  
The three heroes exchanged a glance, and told Malik the whole story.  
  
-After the story-  
  
"Holy Hank!" Malik yelled, starting a passing motorist and causing a large crash, "Are you telling me that this girl stole Kaiba's soul through marriage?!"  
"Yes." The three said in unison.  
"Why the hell haven't _I _tried that?!" Malik gasped, giving Yami a strange glance.  
"Malik, you couldn't get me to marry you if you dragged me to Vegas and gutted a frog." Yami snarled.  
"It was only a suggestion..."  
Joey suddenly got a brainstorm, and quickly conspired with Mokuba. Giggling, they wrote something on a napkin. "Yug'?"  
Yami turned from the staring contest he was having. "Yes?"  
"Could you... ah, read this?" Joey handed him the napkin.  
Yami shrugged. "Okay... Isle of Seto Kai- WAIT A SECOND!"   
Joey and Mokuba were rolling on the pavement in shits and giggles. Malik was just greatly amused. "That explains a lot, Pharaoh."  
"SHUT. UP." The disgruntled Pharaoh tossed the napkin away, to where Mokuba caught it, just in case it could benefit them later.  
The narrator then jumped out a window, mainly because of how damn pointless it all was.  
  
-At KaibaCorp-  
  
Saseko's neatly trimmed metallic pink fingernails drummed against the dark wood of her throne. Seto's head was, as usual, lying in her lap.  
"Ladies and gentlemen!" She said, starting to stroke Seto's hair. A hairstylist - Sakura, Brenda's cousin - twitched. He hated seeing hair that hadn't been washed in over a week. In fact, it was nauseating.  
"As you know, I am nearing world domination. But first, we must conquer the United States of America!" She cackled. "In order to do that, we will be setting up KaibaCorp branches through Canada!"  
"Why Canada?" Brenda asked loudly. He liked Canada. He liked the da-da-da sound.  
Sakura snorted. "I'm not going to mention Celine Dion..."  
Saseko heard. "C-Celine?! She's from Canada?" Her eyes sparkled. "Call off the invasion! We take Australia instead!"  
They all nodded. After all, who liked Australia?  
  
-Back near the shop-  
  
Yugi had regained control just as Yami began strangling Malik, who had asked if he knew what color Seto's briefs were.  
//He wears boxers, for Pete's sake! Light blue boxers with the KaibaCorp logo!//  
/Yami... PLEASE tell me you're joking./  
//Did I... did I leave the connection on?//  
/Yes, you did. Now tell me you were JOKING./  
//I was... uh, yeah. Joking. Yeah.//  
Mokuba happened to notice Yugi's inner torment, and watched the expressions cross over his face.  
/That's not sincere enough./  
//Uh...//  
/And when did you see, anyway?/  
//I thought I was joking?//  
/Cut the crap./  
//YUGI! Wash your head with soap!//  
/All I want is a perfectly logical reason why you know what Kaiba wears under his clothes./  
//Oh. Well, it was one time at your school, when we were changing for sport.//  
Yugi looked relieved. He then noticed Mokuba staring at him. "What?"  
"Nothing..."  
"Uh... yeah. Anyway, Malik!"  
"Yes?"   
"Will you join us?"  
Malik raised an eyebrow. "What?"  
"Join us! Please! We might need your help!"  
"Well..." Malik thought, "I'll help if you give me your puzzle."  
Yugi sighed. "No, you'll help or I tell everyone what you bought in my grandfather's shop!"  
"Y-you wouldn't!"  
After about half a minute of glares, Malik gave in, sinking to his knees. "Fine! Just... please! Don't tell!"  
Yugi nodded, and walked off in the direction of their next stop, Joey and Mokuba close behind.  
Malik got up, and quietly pulled a small package out of the bag he had been carrying. He gave a sigh of relief. "Phew, none bent..."  
He slipped the packet of Pokemon cards back into the beg and followed.


	4. Part Four: Skewered logic

Disclaimer: I'm not putting it again. If you really must, check the last chapter. Nothing belongs to me.

-Walking down the street-

"So," Malik said, strutting casually, "What do we do?"  
The other three exchanged glances. They hadn't quite gotten that far.  
Malik could see it on their faces and sighed deeply. "You're lucky I'm a genius at planning."  
Yugi opened his mouth to reply and recieved a rather evil death glare. "Okay, okay... I'll be quiet..."

-Meanwhile, at a completely unknown location-

"Motou... Domino..." A weak person uttered, then fell over. With a splat. Ouch.

-Back at the street-

"Did you... hear that?" Mokuba asked.  
They stared at him. "Hear what?" Joey asked.  
Mokuba sighed. "Nevermind..."  
Little did they know what he had heard... a grave occurence in the space/time continum, that would shatter their very existence-  
Mokuba growled and kicked the narrator, who ran off to cry.  
Malik frowned. "Can we get back to my plan?"  
"What plan?" Yugi asked.  
"The plan that's going to save your sorry asses."  
"I repeat, what plan?"  
"Don't be a smartass, little Yugi." Malik hissed, pointing a threatening finger at Yugi.  
Yami appeared. "Don't threaten him!"  
"Make me, Pharaoh!"  
Mokuba sighed. It would be a long week. Either that, or they'd never be able to save his brother.

Luckily, he was saved from thinking such thoughts by a ear-peircing, guttural wail that could only be described as one thing, and one thing only.  
"Cher's greatest hits!" Joey moaned, clutching his ears. The others were rolling on the ground in agony. In fact, he was too.  
"You monster!" Yami yelled to whoever was playing it, "There's a child here!"  
The music stopped, and a group of robed people that looked like rare hunters stepped out from behind buildings.  
"We're not rare hunters, you fool!"  
Malik looked on in confusion. Of course they weren't rare hunters. they didn't have the nifty light purple embroidery. Or the gold chain. Or the glazed over eyes that resulted from smoking far too much dope.  
Everyone other than him gave the narrator a strange look. Joey shook his head. "Dude... that puts new meaning to the term 'too much information'."  
"Oh, shut up." Malik growled, "Who are these freaks?"  
"We aren't freaks!" One said, but was silenced.  
"We're not meant to talk, dumbass!" Another hissed.  
"I'm sorry... my bad." The first apologized.  
They stopped talking and glared at the four.  
"Actually, you can't be sure they're glaring." Mokuba said logically.  
Joey nodded. "He's right. Since we can't see their faces, they may as well be blinking."  
"But they can't show their faces!" Yami protested.  
"Why not, Pharaoh?"  
Yami motioned towards them. "In order to keep their secretive, evil bad-doer look, they have to have low hoods. If they showed their faces, it'd spoil the tension."  
Malik mused on what Yami had said. "Pharaoh... I agree. We must simply assume they are glaring at us."  
They all seemed to agree on that.  
Then there was a moment of silence.  
"Oh, screw this." One of the robed-people-but-not-quite-rare-hunters said, "Let's kill them!"  
Another sighed. "Why kill? You're always so violent!"  
The first turned to the one that had responded. "I'm not always violent, I'm just doing my job!"  
Yet another one stepped forward. "Let's be nice to them!"  
"Oh, shut up." The second hissed.  
"You!"  
Another one stopped the third from attacking the second. "Stop it!"  
"I want to cut their heads off!" The first groaned.  
"Cut your own head off!" The third grumbled.  
The fourth laughed. "Yeah, do us all a favor!"  
The first growled. "What?"  
"You never shut up!" The second one said, "Just yap yap yap..."  
"Hah! You're lucky. You don't have to sleep next to him!" A fifth spoke up.  
The second turned to them. "What?"  
"On the nights when we have to share beds... ugh, he snores!"  
"No I don't!" The first protested. "Anyway, you've got bad breath."  
"Only because you always steal my toothpaste and Tic Tacs!" The fifth said accusingly.  
The third sighed. "Oh, stop bitching you two and let's go have some tea."  
The second nodded. "Yes, let's kill them and have tea and biscuits."  
"Yes." The third, fourth, and first said in unison.  
"Oh, not biscuits." The fifth mused.  
"Okay, not biscuits. What about cake?"  
"Yeah, cake's good."  
The second nodded. "Alright then, let's kill them and then go and have tea and cake!"  
"Right!" The others agreed.  
They looked toward where the four had been.  
"They've buggered off!" The first said in shock.  
The third was staring, too. "So they have! They've scarpered!"

-At the location of wherever they had scarpered to-

"What... the... HELL... was... that!" Yami wheezed, hiding in the dark alley they had frantically ran to.  
"I think I know..." Joey said, catching his breath, "Nazgül. Or Nazgûl. Or Nazgul. I can never get that damned 'u' right..."  
The others, breathless and confused, stared at him.  
"Ringwraiths!"  
"... What?" Mokuba asked, "Aren't they from Lord of the Rings?"  
"Well, yes... but what other explanation could there be?"  
Yami groaned. "More than you would think."  
"He thinks, Pharaoh?" Malik asked, amused.  
Joey scratched his head. "Sometimes... but it hurts my head. Is that supposed to happen?"  
"Uh..." Yami began, looking to Malik and Mokuba for help. They shrugged.  
Luckily, the subject was quickly changed when an evil laugh came from above them.  
They looked up.  
"Bakura... what the hell are you doing?" Yami asked, seeing the english boy standing on a very large pile of crates.  
"I'm going for the dominating evil effect."  
"Oh."  
Bakura jumped down, making an undesirable cracking sound. He winced in pain. "Ow..."  
"Bakura, are you okay?" Joey asked.  
The white-haired boy snarled. "Oh, I'm just dandy."  
Yami sighed. "Which one are you?"  
Bakura frowned. "Uh... the english one, chaps."  
"Riiight."  
Malik cleared his throat. "Can we get back to me yet?"  
Everyone stared at him. "No."  
"Well, fuck you all!"  
Mokuba giggled madly, slightly forgetting his valiant quest.

-At KaibaCorp-

"What do you mean, they got away!" Saseko screeched to the Rare Hunter/Ringwraith lookalikes.  
"There aren't many ways to explain it." The third grumbled, "They scarpered."  
Yami Withersin appeared, growling. "You'll die for your mistake!"  
"Can't you just take over some country instead?" The first pleaded.  
"Well..." She thought, "I _am _angered by Celine Dion's latest album..."  
There was a collective gasp.  
"Yes. We invade Canada."

-A while later, after explaining everything to Bakura-

"...So," Yami concluded, "Will you help us?"  
Bakura thought for a moment. "Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger."  
Yami rolled his eyes. "Let's not beat around the bush. Are you going to help us, or am I going to kick your teeth in?"  
"I'm in, lads."  
"That's what I was thinking."


	5. Part Five: XAbba, trains, and Dark Duel

A/N: Longest. Chapter. EVER.  
  
---  
  
As Yami smiled smugly to himself and walked forward, closely followed by Joey and Mokuba, no one happened to notice the particularly evil/ominous/plot-point-related grin Malik and Bakura shared, each nodding to something that had been arranged in the past.  
  
~Flashback~  
  
"So, Bakura, help me gain the power of the Pharaoh and you can have the Rod!" Malik said, pacing the Evil Lair of Doom, a.k.a. Bakura's closet sized basement.  
Bakura winced as his left hand was stepped on for the ninth time. "No. I want more."  
"What the hell do you want _now_?"  
Bakura sighed wistfully, standing up (and making Malik fall down in the process). "I want to go to Broadway!"  
A horde of spotlights appeared from nowhere and shone on Bakura, as music began to play and he readied himself to sing.  
"Oh no you don't!" Malik hissed, "There's not enough space here to stand, let alone flail your arms about and sing!"  
"Don't look at me, it was the narrator's idea."  
Malik then shrugged and sent the narrator to the shadow realm.  
Bakura sighed, watching the narrator scream in eternal pain. "You know, we're only allowed thirty narrators."  
"Which one are we on?"  
"Ninth."  
"We'll be fine."  
"Sure we will." Bakura sighed and sat down, nearly crushing Malik in the process. "So how do you intend to get his power _this _time?"  
Silence.  
"Malik?"  
More silence.  
"Malik, where the hell are you?"  
A weak moan of pain came from beneath Bakura. Getting up to see what it was, he winced.  
"Damned... Tomb... Robber..." Malik wheezed, holding his chest like a dying man, "Check... before... you sit... next time!"  
  
~End Flashback~  
  
After that, Bakura had apologised and they'd done some evil planning. But that's not relevant to the plot right now.  
  
-At KaibaCorp-  
  
Saseko grinned ferally, still stroking Seto's hair. "Gentlemen, how is the plan unfolding?"  
Brenda and Sakura gave each other a look. "What plan?"  
"The secret plan that we can't reveal until the climax of the plot."  
"Ohhh. THAT plan." Brenda nodded.  
"Everything's going perfectly." Sakura agreed.  
  
-Back on the road-  
  
Yami sighed, stopping in his tracks. "This is hopeless!" He growled, "We'll never get anywhere at this rate! We have to do something!"  
Malik (who had caught up) raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"  
"Uh... something drastic! Something that they'll never expect!"  
"They?"  
  
-Later-  
  
Malik stared at Yami in disbelief. "A _train_?"  
"What?" Yami asked innocently, picking up a complimentary magazine, "There weren't many options?"  
"Well why couldn't we just STEAL a train?!"  
Bakura gave Malik a questioning look. "Malik, who the hell would be stupid enough to steal a train?"  
Suddenly, the train stopped and the lights went off.  
"Hello passengers!" A voice said, "This is the revolutionary team X-Abba! We have taken control of your train!"  
"I'd say they would..." Yami muttered in an amused tone.  
"You jinxed it, Bakura! You SO jinxed it!" Malik hissed, beating Bakura over the head with the Millennium Rod.  
Yami snickered as Malik continued to beat the shit out of the ex-Tomb Raider.  
"ROBBER! I'M NOT GODDAMN LARA CROFT!" Bakura yelled at the narrator (who, like many others, had somehow died and was instantly replaced).  
"QUIET, BITCH!" Malik yelled back, giving him a sharp blow to the back of the head.  
Needless to say, he crumpled to the floor (Bakura, not Malik).  
For some unknown reason, no one else in the train noticed this, including X-Abba. Maybe because the former were too busy wetting themselves and the latter too busy laughing dramatically.  
"Now..." The voice said, "I have one request of the people of this train!"  
Everyone stopped what they were doing and hurried somewhere safe (even to the occupied toilets).  
"I must duel the Pharaoh!"  
There was a collective gasp.  
"You're telling us that this is all because of a CARD GAME?!" A rather annoying man yelled.  
"SILENCE!" The voice yelled and a slab of stone fell on the said man.  
Yami leaned over to see. "Hey, Beaver Warrior..."  
"Ahem!" The voice continued, "If I do not get my duel with the Pharaoh within the next five hours, I'll derail the train into the Giant Ominous Seemingly Unused Stone/Concrete Evil Lair!"  
There was a long silence.  
"... GOSUS/CEL for short. Now, it is currently 1 pm. Pharaoh, you have until 6:00! And yes, we shall be heading for GOSUS/CEL during that time."  
The message seemed to be over, though some serious debating could be heard in the background.  
"Oh, fine!" The first person grumbled, and returned to the microphone. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show will be playing while you wait."  
"Wait for their doom?" Someone in the background asked.  
"Shut _up_, Adrian!"  
  
-About half an hour later-  
  
"You just intend to let us all die?" Malik asked with slight amusement in his voice.  
Yami tore his eyes away from the TV to look at him. "No. I just really love this movie." He then resumed singing along to 'Time Warp'.  
"Freak."   
  
-Later still-  
  
Nothing much had happened while the movie played, although Bakura had came to during 'Sweet Transvestite' and had promptly passed out again after a look at the screen. That had, of course, make Malik laugh uncontrollably and gain a particularly evil glare from Yami.  
The only other thing resulting from the screening was that when Bakura woke for the second time (during a scene that disturbed him far less than the previous one, as it had death and blood, which really shouldn't disturb him at all), he and Malik schemed to get Yami dead drunk and dress him up as the 'weird doctor guy'. Neither chose to mention that they had once dressed like that, though under far different circumstances.  
"What time is it?" Malik asked, bored.  
Bakura looked at the clock. "Long stick past tiny stick pointing at space after strange symbol."  
"You could have just said 4:30."  
"I know, but there's hardly anything to do on this damned train."  
Malik scowled. "If we had've taken _my _idea and steal the train, we'd be off by now."  
"Shut up."  
  
-At six o'clock-  
  
"Yami?" Bakura poked the sleeping ex-Pharaoh, "IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"  
"DON'T GODDAMN DO THAT!" Yami shrieked, bashing Bakura over the head with the Millennium Puzzle, "You KNOW how I feel about my stutter!"  
"Stutter?" Malik asked, poking into the conversation.  
Bakura nodded. "He had a stutter way before the Battle City stuff. It was goddamn amusing, seeing this great 'alter ego' of Yugi stuttering while dueling."  
  
~Flashback~  
  
"I play C-C-C-C-C-Celtic G-Guardian!"  
  
~End Flashback~  
  
Yami frowned. "Where's Mokuba?" He quickly asked, changing the subject.  
"Sleeping in the main carriage."  
There was a long thinking silence.  
"Isn't that where _X-Abba _happens to be?"  
Bakura and Malik exchanged a look. "Uh... Joey's with him."  
"Oh, shit."  
  
-In the main carriage-  
  
Joey and Mokuba were tied up, gagged with blue cheese.   
"Saseko'd better be damned happy..." One of the X-Abba members muttered, smoking.  
Yami, Malik and Bakura burst in.   
"I will duel you!" Yami said with convincing courage. "Wait... you're those ringwraiths!"  
"NO! X-Abba!" One of them stood up, unveiling himself. "My name is Adrian, I am the insect duelist of X-Abba!" He struck a pose.  
Another laughed. "You're still a Weevil wannabe."  
"I am not!"  
One (the third?) sighed. "He's still pissed off he traded a Summoned Skull for Flying Kamakiri #1 and #2."  
Everyone except the second burst into laughter.  
"SUMMONED SKULL? FOR **_INSECTS_**?!" Yami cackled.  
"JUST DUEL ALREADY, DAMNIT!"  
  
-After the duel-  
  
Adrian was aghast. "How... however did you beat him?"  
The 'him' he was talking about was the one who had mentioned the trade earlier. He was shocked, too. "Yes. How_ever_ did you do so?"  
"... Do I really have to explain?" Yami asked, "Weren't you there?"  
"No."  
"Then where were you?"  
'He' thought for a moment. "Uh... thinking about Pamela Anderson?"  
"Dude, that line is _so _last year." Yami sighed.  
"Just tell the story."  
Yami sighed again. "You played A Really Shit Monster (0/infinite) in attack mode. I summoned Dark Magician, because Battle City rules blow George Bush, and attacked. You went down to 1500. You then used the Completely Goddamn Pointless ritual to summon Mauled Teletubby (10/0) and attacked. Needless to say, you suck and you lost."  
"Screw you, hippie."  
  
-Later, off the train-  
  
Joey (who had finished throwing up after the blue cheese) was pondering. "You know what we need?"  
"What?" Mokuba asked, looking up from his own pile of vomit.  
"A Rod joke."  
Malik's eye twitched, clenching the Rod in his right hand. "I REFUSE to allow such an obscenity!"  
"Calm down, mate!" Bakura said, back in the goody-english-dude act.  
"Oh stop it. Everyone knows you're Yami Bakura!" Malik hissed.  
There was a silence.  
"... We do?" Joey asked.  
"Really?" Mokuba chimed in.  
"I didn't know." Yami said honestly.  
Malik was agape. "But... the narrator... all the hints..." Then, in a fit of frustration, he pulled Seto's gun from hammerspace and shot the narrator. A thud was heard (Narrator Count: 11/30).   
"And THAT'S why you don't piss off the slightly insane Egyptian dude."  
"Well put, Malik." Bakura said, "But you're not the only slightly insane Egyptian dude."  
"You're TOTALLY insane and he's..." They looked at Yami, who had somehow became stone drunk in the five seconds he hadn't been mentioned, "... eugh."  
"I'm offended! You don't understand the levels of insanity!"   
Joey prodded Mokuba. "Is it just me, or do they bicker like a married couple?"  
Malik overheard, and held up his and Bakura's right hands, each with a gold ring.  
There was another moment of silence.  
"Stop looking at me like that," Bakura growled, "I was dead drunk and we were in Vegas... what the hell were we doing there in the first place?"  
"Uh... I don't exactly remember. I think... it had something to do with an SB&M convention... and we-"  
Bakura stopped him short. "That's enough memory jogging for today."  
  
-KaibaCorp-  
  
"... You're joking." Saseko said, monotone.  
The X-Abba team meeped.   
"GUARDS!" She yelled, "Kill them!"  
"Uh... your majesty?" Brenda asked.  
"Yes?"  
"You fired the guards."  
"What?! When did that happen?"  
Brenda shrugged. "I don't know, obviously during a time that the narrator was focused on the others."  
"Goddamn narrator..." She muttered, and threw her dangerously sharp toothpick. Another thud (NC: 12/30).  
  
-Back off the train-  
  
As they walked to the exit of the train station, there was a sudden, plot involving bang. They turned, to see one of the X-Abbas whirl off his coat. "I am John! I shall avenge my brethren!" He then struck a pose that could get everyone highly sued by the creator of Pokemon.  
"John, you meathead, you're not even related to him!" One of the others yelled.  
"Who cares? We're X-Abba!"  
"That sounds _so _gay..."  
They all shuddered.  
Anyway, back to the action. John then proceeded to reach into his unnecessarily tight jeans (ewewewewew) to pull out a Gameboy Advance SP. He then promptly pushed in a cartridge of Dark Duel Stories, and started playing.  
There was about five or so minutes where the only sound was the game.  
"AHA!" John yelled, jumping up. "I BEAT YOU!"  
...   
"The hell?!" Yami shrieked.  
John showed him the game screen.   
"But... THAT'S SO NOT ME! That's, like... gay-and-on-serious-crack-me!" He then got a very evil idea. "LOOK, IT'S MAI! IN A BIKINI!"  
John, Mokuba, Adrian, Joey, and every other male in the train station turned to look, while Yami pulled out the cartridge and threw it to the train tracks. He then noticed a very disturbing thing. "... You... you're not looking."  
Malik and Bakura exchanged a look. "We were supposed to...?"  
Yami shivered. "I NEVER wish to speak of this again."  
"Right."  
And suddenly, time went back to normal and John looked back. Then at the empty GBA. Then at the train tracks. Then at the train that went past. "YOU LITTLE **BITCH**!" He screamed, and threw the GBA at the narrator in annoyance (NC: 13/30).  
  
-Later, walking down the road-  
  
"Good thing we got out of there..." Joey muttered. "Hey, a food shop! In the middle of nowhere!"  
Yami stared. "Wow. How convenient."  
So, being the hungry duelists they were, they went in and bought food.  
  
-Later, eating in the food shop-  
  
For some strange reason, it was an eat-in food shop. Though where else would you eat in the middle of nowhere?  
"Joey," Yami asked, looking up from his BEWD jellypop, "What on earth are you eating?"  
Joey swallowed some of whatever it was. "Lard."  
"You are eating... lard."  
"Yeah, well I'm hungry but I couldn't afford anything else."  
Yami sighed and shook his head, and returned to the jellypop.  
They sat eating, in silence, until Bakura's English Toffee ice-cream burst into flames. He shrugged at the stares everyone else in the shop gave him. "I was trying to burn it off."  
"What, your face?!" Malik asked, poking at the ashes that now lay on the table.  
"No, you dimwit. The fly that was on it."  
Mokuba then returned with the drinks he had promised to get in the cut section, more specifically a tray of tea, putting cups out for them all.   
"What's this?" Joey asked, peering at it.  
Yami took a sip. "Elm tea! The gypsies _swear _by it."  
Malik laughed. "I bet they do... I bet they say 'What the bloody hell is this?'"  
Mokuba pouted and drank some of his. "We really should stop with all the food gags."  
Yami nodded. "We need to plan. God knows what we've been doing all this damn time."  
"Well, should we storm KaibaCorp?" Joey asked.  
Malik groaned. "If you want to be kamikaze watermelons, go right ahead."  
"What the hell does that mean?"  
"It means that I can plot, plan, and generally _start _something better than you lot."  
Joey growled. "Showoff."  
"Oh, shut up. Bakura?" He turned to the Tomb Rai - there was a threatening growl from Bakura - **_Robber_**, who nodded.  
"Saseko's holding a celebration of her and Seto's marriage tomorrow. We can sneak in then." Bakura explained.  
Yami was suspicious. "... How do you know this?"  
"It was either us telling you or that guy over in the corner... and I don't think he's wearing pants."  
"Point taken."  
The owner of the food shop came to their table. "Who'll take the bill?"  
Yami sat up straighter. "_Bill_? Don't you know who I am?!"  
"No. Well, I mean, you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't you?"  
Joey spoke up. "He's Yugi M-"  
"Joey, shut up, you're not as interesting as me."  
"Fair enough." Joey shrugged and went back to his lard.  
"Uh... haven't we already paid?" Mokuba asked.  
"Yes, you have."  
Bakura was slightly amused. "Then why the hell did you come here?"  
"That gentleman with the blonde hair said I needed to be part of a gag."  
Malik nodded. "And your part's over. Bugger off."  
The man left. They resumed eating (and Bakura just gnawed on his skin).  
Joey (who was sitting by the window) then sat up rigidly straight. "Listen, guys, I think there's something outside."  
"Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Joey. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small food shop." Yami said between bites of the jellypop.  
"You're very philosophical for this time of night, Yami." Mokuba complimented.  
"Yeah, well I've just had a jellypop that I now realise contained something akin to half a bottle of Scotch, what do you expect?"  
Joey groaned. "Just... look out the window! At that guy!"  
"Which one?" Mokuba asked.  
"The one jumping up and down, waving his arms."  
Malik squinted at the scene. "The one that's on fire?"  
"Nevermind that! He looks like one of Saseko's redecorators!"  
"... Does that mean that we can finally stop this scarily long line-up of gags?" Bakura whispered to Malik.  
"I goddamn hope so."  
They went outside to see the burning transvestite redecorator, though none made a move to help him. They all knew that they had to see more of what Saseko's twisted mind could do-  
"Actually, I think he just caught the fire from my ice-cream." And then that narrator died (NC: 14/30), for narrators are NEVER. PROVEN. WRONG.  
They ran toward the fallen man when he... fell, of course.  
"Is he dead?" Mokuba asked fearfully.  
"Hah! Of course not!" Bakura laughed, "If he was dead, he wouldn't be so cold, and pale, and blue... and... his pulse..." He laughed nervously. "Crap, he's dead. _Now _how are we supposed to move the plot along?"  
They pondered. It didn't matter that they were in the middle of the street; pondering has far higher importance than transport and they'd be fine (kids, don't try that at home).  
  
-KaibaCorp-  
  
"BRENDA!"   
"Yeeees, Satan?" Brenda then turned around to see Yami Withersin. "Whoops, thought you were someone else."  
"You don't talk to the Pharaoh's Queen like that!"  
"... The Pharaoh didn't have a queen."  
"Yes he did!"  
"No, he didn't. Have you been into the morphine again?"  
Withersin's eye twitched. "Nevermind that. The plot is, amazingly, moving along, and I need a dungeon."  
"Right. May I ask why?"  
She sighed. "Because they're obviously going to show at Saseko's marriage party. When they do, I need to throw them into the dungeon."  
"But... we don't have a dungeon."  
"That's why I _need _one."  
"Oh. Well, how on earth can we build a dungeon in less than 24 hours?"  
"That's for you to figure out." Withersin left.  
Brenda stared after her. "... Bitch."  
  
-Back with our 'heroes'-  
  
Who were... hitchhiking.  
"No, no! You have to keep your thumb _straight_!" Malik instructed.  
Bakura growled. "No, slightly bent!"  
"Straight!"  
"Slightly bent!"  
"Straight!"  
"Slightly bent!"  
"STRAIGHT!"  
"SLIGHTLY BENT!"  
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF ZORA THE MANT!"  
"SLIGHTLY BENT TO THE POWER OF GATE GUARDIAN!"  
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF OBELISK!"  
"SLIGHTLY BENT TO THE POWER OF OSIRIS!"  
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF- wait. _Osiris_?"  
Everyone (including previous narrators and the bad guys) stared at Bakura. Malik repeated himself. "**_O-FUCKING-SIRIS?!"_** Well, didn't _exactly_ repeat himself.**_  
_**Bakura meeped. "I, uh, mean... uh, Slifer! Yes! Slifer the Sky Dragon!"  
At those words, all peace was restored.  
And they went back to their bickering. Yugi (newly arrived) tried to suggest that they could try both, but after being almost sent to the Shadow Realm, he decided to leave them to their own devices.  
"Hey, Yug'!" Joey called to him, "Look at this!" He held up a life-size, perfectly done cardboard image of Mai. In a bikini.  
"Wow, Joey! That's really well done!"  
Mokuba was putting paints back into hammerspace. "We can attract a car with this."  
There was a sudden wind, sending the Mai cut-out onto Yugi. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was really cardboard, but it was actually a super thin cardboard like super heavy metal that KaibaCorp had discovered about two months ago. Needless to say, the life was getting squeezed out of the world's greatest duelist by a metal cut-out of a certain lady he knew. In a bikini.  
Yami reappeared (for he only briefly disappeared for short times in which Yugi usually got crushed by something) and pushed it away, into clear view for passing motorists.  
After quick consideration, he made a sign to accompany it saying 'NOT FOR SALE, HIRE, OR RENT.'.  
"Rent's the same thing as hire, moron." Bakura grumbled.  
"Shut up."


	6. Part Six: Where nothing is answered!

A/N: Wow. Um, hi again. Remember me? Yeah, TptsK is back. As am I. While this chapter is short (I wrote it ages ago), please bear in mind that I haven't even been on this site for God-knows-how-long, and it's really weird settling in again. I mean, dayumn, the last time I updated anything was on the twenty-first of November! And it's been over a year since I last touched this!  
  
---

There was a long wait.

It was not a short wait, nor was it a medium wait.

It was long.

And not in the long of actual length, but long in time.

Thus, it could not be a 'weight', either-

"GET ON WITH IT!" Weevil and Jim yelled from the swamp.

"Yes, GET ON WITH IT!" The readers yelled.

"YES, GET ON WITH IT!" The hoard of people from later in the fic yelled.

So, they killed the narrator (NC: 15/30), and continued on in their valiant quest.

Their valiant quest... of waiting for a damned car to show up.

"I will kill whoever came up with this idea." Yami groaned, leaning on a strategically placed tree.

"Uh... since it's best I don't say it was the narrator's, it was Joey's."

Yami nodded. "Thank you, Mokuba."

He then pulled out his pistol, aiming at Joey.

"DEATH! YES!" Malik screeched OOCly, "I'll give you money if his eyes fall out!"

There was a long silence. Not unlike the long wait of before.

Yami then, noticing he had Malik's support, immediately regained his sanity. You can't blame him, really.

Anyway, a lot more time passed.

And then, a car appeared on the horizon. As it drew closer, they saw it was really a limosuine.

"Five bucks it's going to stop in front of us, and someone relevant to the plot'll be inside." Bakura said, leaning against a tree.

Malik peered at it. "Just because it's a limo, doesn't mean that it'll stop for us. You're on."

They patiently waited, as the limo drew to a stop, right in front of them.

"... Holy crap." Malik said with wide eyes, "How did you DO that?"

"Gamer's logic." Bakura grinned, receiving the five dollars.

The door opened, and a feminine form sat across from them, in the darkness. "Hello boys," she said, "Care for a ride?"

"H-how did you know we were boys?" Joey asked fearfully, gaining groans from his companions.

"Just get in. You can't defeat Saseko alone. I can help you."

When everyone else moved to get in, Mokuba stopped. "For all we know, you could be a crazy murderer, and we'll never be seen again, and my brother's soul will be trapped for eternity."

Yami sighed. "Mokuba, this is a kids show. Of COURSE we can trust this person."

"Righty-ho."

In the limo (which, of course, had seats facing each other), they found out the identity of the strange woman.

"I am Kaijinchi." She said simply, twirling a card between her fingers, "I am one of the Spirits."

"The what?" Yami asked, trying to see what card it was.

"The Spirits are not actually spirits, more like... representations of cards." Kaijinchi smiled at Yami. "Can you tell who I am?"

Mokuba decided to keep his mouth shut, and not question why she called herself a spirit if she wasn't actually one in the first place.

He stared at her, recognising something, but not knowing what. Then he understood it... golden rings around all her fingers, and beautiful jewelry around her neck. "Malevolent Nuzzler!" He gasped in surprise.

She nodded, holding the said card out. "Yes. One of the many cards in the Great One's deck."

Bakura sighed. "I'm guessing that since you capitalized 'Great One', whoever it is will be a plot point of sorts."

Kaijinchi sighed. "Is he always like this?"

"Yes." The others sighed in unison.

"Anyway," She said, "I have a story to tell you."

"Can't we just have a flashback?" Joey asked, about to fall asleep.

"No. It can only be told by someone wise, like me. So shut up and listen."

"Yes ma'am."

Kaijinchi turned, looking out the window. "There were many of us. One for every card. The rarer a card was, the more important their representation was to the Great One. Withersin was once of great importance. But she lost her card. She now intends for all of us to lose our cards, so we become like her."

Yami raised an eyebrow. "So... you'd all become annoyingly perfect?"

A nod. "Yes. Something must be done, to contain her, and free Saseko, who was an innocent girl before being enslaved."

"Excuse me," Mokuba butted in, "But isn't this story supposed to be about, oh, I don't know, FREEING MY BROTHER'S SOUL FROM THIS CRAZY BITCH'S HANDS?!"

"Don't worry, Mokuba. We'll get your brother. Hopefully tomorrow, at the marriage ceremony."

"Uh... excuse me," Malik interrupted, "But wouldn't she be expecting that?"

"Exactly. But if she knew that you knew that she knew you were going to come, she would know that you wouldn't be stupid enough to arrive." Kaijinchi said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which, when you think about it, it was.

"But..." Yami thought for a moment. "Suppose she didn't know that we knew that she knew that we knew that she knew we were going to be there."

"Hm... you're right."

Joey blinked. "You understood that?"

"Not a word." Yami shrugged.

There was a brief silence.

"Uh, Yugi..."

"Yes, Mokuba?"

"Where's the Millennium TV?"

"Oh, shit."

-Meanwhile, at McDonalds-

"Uh, Mr. McElfton?" A young, acne-faced night worker called Mack asked, his voice cracking with late puberty.

"Yes?"

"There's a... a golden TV here. In a stroller."

A silence. "Could you... could you say that again?"

"There is a golden TV. In a stroller. With a blanket draped over it."

Elfy (Mr. McElfton's first name) walked out of the kitchen, to see the... interesting sight. He, like Mack, was surprised. "... Why is there a golden television, in a stroller, in my restaurant?"

"I was hoping you could tell me, sir..."

Elfy crouched down, to get a better look. "I bet it'd be worth something on Ebay."

-Back in the limo-

Yami blinked. "That's not the kind of thing we're meant to see."

"Then pretend you didn't see it." Kaijinchi shrugged, going back to reading the Teen Hit magazine she'd picked up during the scene change.

"Isn't that line from-" Mokuba began, when he was promptly shushed.

"We can't have the readers figuring out the theme of this chapter yet, now can we?" Bakura sighed, shaking his head. "I mean, really. Kids these days talk too damn much."

-At KaibaCorp-

"Uh, Saseko?" Brenda asked, nervously fidgeting with his hair.

"Yes?" The resident mistress of evil, corruption, hatred, despair, unrighteousness and frilly dresses asked irritably, looking up from the weekly crossword puzzle.

"My friend... he has an idea for the dungeon."

Now Saseko was interested. "Really?"

"Really. And he can build it for us, too."

"Really?"

Brenda sighed. "Really."

"... I see. Is that all?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well, then. I suggest you should piss off now."

-The limo-

"Where exactly are we going, Miss Kaijinchi, sir?" Joey suddenly asked, jolting them all from a peaceful state of mind-numbing silence.

She held out a map (don't ask me where she got it from, use your own damn imagination) of the city. "I'll be dropping you off at Mayfair."

The words got Mokuba's attention. "What are we talking about and what does it have to do with Monopoly?"

"I meant the new grand hotel plaza."

"Oh!" The boy nodded.

"But... that's in the Really Amazingly Extravagantly Fuckingly Unbelievably Mindbendingly Rich part of the city," Malik objected. "There's no way on earth we'd be able to afford to even stay a second in there."

"Yes, but..." Kaijinchi trailed off, looking out the window.

"But what?" Mokuba looked a bit peeved. "Are you hiding an Important Plot Point from us?"

"Hm. Maybe."

"That's not a good thing, you know."

"I didn't say I was, did I?"

"You said maybe. That always means yes, in Woman-talk."

Yami wondered when Mokuba became a scholar of Woman-talk. He then noticed that the narrator was reading his thoughts again, and killed it (NC: 16/30).

Kaijinchi smiled softly. "We're almost there..."

"Convienient that we get there right when you've finished giving us information."

Malik sighed. "Shut up, Bakura."


End file.
